The Cultured Girl

Wedding season is upon us, which means our nation’s mail carriers will be saddled with save-the-date notices, shower invitations, and—at least from the cultured among us—RSVP cards. For some reason, the RSVP (shorthand for “répondez s’il vous plaît,” which means “respond please” in French) is an increasingly neglected courtesy. However, if a host requests an RSVP, it is rude not to comply. After all, the party-throwers could need to know anything from how many places to set at a seated dinner to how many fifths of vodka to buy. Some things to know:

• If the invitation says “RSVP” by a certain date, let the host know whether or not you will be attending as soon as possible and no later than the deadline.
• Use the preferred method to reply. If there is an enclosed card, mail it in. If there is a phone number, call it, despite the awkward phone conversation that might ensue. (If it is a wedding or shower invitation, this awkward phone call might be a good opportunity to ask where the couple is registered.)
• Unless the invitation is addressed to you and a guest, do not reply saying you will bring a guest. You’re expected to attend solo, unless you get clearance otherwise.
• If the invitation says “regrets only,” you only need to tell the host or hostess if you are NOT coming. Otherwise, they’ll assume you are, so show up.
• In the case of weddings and showers, even if your reply is “no,” you should still send the couple or guest of honor a gift.

Certain rules of good manners are timeless. But as society changes, tricky new etiquette questions emerge, particularly among fast-paced urban types. Thankfully, New York Magazine this week just published “The Urban Etiquette Handbook,” which could well be the definitive guide to modern manners. The extensive handbook offers matter-of-fact answers to touchy questions, such as what are the obligations after a one-night stand? (Answer: “If the tryst is at the other person’s place and you wish to depart, engage in light caressing and conversation for at least twenty minutes.”) It’s one of the more informative and entertaining pieces of service journalism I’ve read in months. A few excerpts:

“On the dating scene:
At what point in a flirtatious conversation should you mention you have a significant other?
If you have a suspicion that your conversation partner would take his clever remarks elsewhere if he knew you were officially off the market, then it’s only fair to release him to said market. Casually mention your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife in passing, but don’t belabor the point: No single person will miss that sign, and if he continues, it probably means he’s actually interested in having a conversation, but not one in which he’s battered over the head with reminders of his partnerlessness.

At the workplace:
Is it ever acceptable to talk to a stranger on an elevator?
If there are six or fewer people on the elevator, no. However, if the group is larger than six, you have achieved an Elevator Humor Quorum and someone must make a remark about the elevator’s lack of size or speed in order to relieve the tension created by standing in a tiny space with six or more strangers. If another member of the group makes the remark first, Elevator Humor Solidarity obligates you to chuckle mildly.

At the gym:
How much locker-room nudity is acceptable?
Nudity is allowable, nay, inevitable, while changing and during showers. Otherwise, if you’re holding something that could easily be used to cover your genitals, cover them.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I am a firm believer in the thank-you note. Growing up in the South, I penned more notes of gratitude on monogrammed stationery than I can count. I have witnessed stunning examples of what NOT to do, including a card my mom once received that said little more than: “Thanks for the gift. It got here okay.”

In this day and age, an email or phone call will often suffice, such as when someone sends you an unexpected little happy in the mail or when a friend puts you up for the weekend, and for gifts that you receive in person, such as a bottle of wine at a housewarming party, an effusive acknowledgment at the moment will generally be enough. But other times, a handwritten note is still a must—namely, major milestones such as baby showers, graduations, charity events for which you solicited donations, and, of course, weddings. Particularly in the case of weddings , gift-givers have often shelled out for plane tickets, dresses, and other expenses. (One prominent bride in my hometown failed to fulfill her thank-you note obligation, and people are still gossiping about it five years later.)

But whether you’re dashing off an email or breaking out the stationery, here are the 4 elements of a great thank-you note:

• Open with an enthusiastic “thank you” that identifies the gift. Adjust accordingly to the size of the gift, e.g. “Thanks so much for the gift basket” or “I really cannot thank you enough for the $2,000 contribution.” (Try to avoid cliches like “It was sweet of you to think of us,” particularly if you sent someone a wedding invitation.)
• Make a specific reference to how the gift affected you or will affect you. Something as simple as “The colors in the tablecloth will look great with the rest of my kitchen stuff” works just fine. But more details can’t hurt. I recently received a charming thank-you note from an expectant mother that read: “Your timing was perfect—we had just finished a birth class where we learned in graphic detail what we’d gotten ourselves into, but one look at your present and we were instantly reminded how wonderful this is going to be.”
• Nod to the event itself. The thank-you note is also a good time to thank someone for coming to your wedding or share details about how you fared in the charity marathon.
• Close with a friendly remark. This is typically more generic but keeps the note from ending too abruptly, something like “I look forward to seeing you in October” or “Give my love to Alan and the kids.”

I shudder every time I throw away an old ATM receipt or an airline boarding pass. But while I know I should be more concerned about identity theft, I just don’t see myself buying a bulky electric paper-shredder. Now, in the “why didn’t someone come up with this before?” category, Cool Hunting is spotlighting a pair of paper-shredding scissors from Japan. At around $20, they’re a cheap, handheld solution to the problem of protecting your trash. It seems that they are available online, but the web site is in Japanese so I’m not sure if they ship to the U.S.

Al Gore’s new documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, is only in limited release, but it’s getting people talking about global warming again. Having just returned from Alaska (look for a Cultured Destination post soon) and experiencing melting glaciers and record-high temperatures firsthand, I was heartened to see a flood of media stories tackling the topic upon my return. Encouragingly, 83 percent of Americans now believe that climate change will be a huge problem if nothing is done about it. The problem, as expertly explained by Salon, is that our government isn’t structured in a way that’s conducive to doing anything about it. It’s easy to feel helpless, but here’s a list (also in Salon) of five simple things—very simple things—that you can do on a daily basis to fight global warming.

Spinach stuck in the front teeth, an open fly, an unbuttoned blouse–while these are the staples of situation comedy, they are also very real embarrassing moments. When they happen to you, all you can do is laugh and blame bad luck. When you realize they are happening to others, step in and help.

A co-worker’s body odor, smelly feet, or bad breath is an extremely sensitive issue. We are all loath to tell a person about body odor, yet every time we ask our business seminar participants which they would prefer–not to be told about an offensive odor or to be told about it by a friend or manager–invariable, 100 percent say they’d want to be clued in by a friend. So the next time you have a friend who has body odor, consider what you would want him to do if the roles were reversed. Be a friend: Enlighten him.

Here’s how. Do it privately, and start out with something like this: “Bill, because I’m your friend, I’m going to say something that is really difficult. But I know if the roles were reversed, I would want you to say something to me So here it goes. I don’t think you are aware of it, but you have a problem, and it has to do with body odor. Some of us have noticed it and we’re worried that it may have an effect on your advancement in the company. I’m telling you this only to help. Can we talk?”

–Emily Post’s the Etiquette Advantage in Business, 2005

The Morning News today tackles one of the biggest issues of modern day etiquette: obnoxious public cell-phone use, particularly that which involves highly personal conversations. The column offers several clever tactics for dealing with rude cell-talkers, such as offering unsolicited advice about the topic at hand or handing out fill-in-the-blank “Dear cell phone user” cards from the Society of Handheld Hushing. Of course, we’re are all guilty of the occasional violation, but even if a friend’s crisis requires an immediate phone call, it doesn’t give you an excuse to talk loudly or obnoxiously, and handing out personal information (like addresses or credit card numbers) during public conversations is just plain dumb.

No doubt many of you will be sipping margaritas tonight in honor of Cinco de Mayo. But before you start toasting, it’s not a bad idea to know a little about why you’re celebrating.

Contrary to popular belief, Cinco de Mayo does not comemorate Mexico’s independence. It marks the country’s short-lived victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. The conflict began when Napoleon III ordered 6,500 soliders to take Mexico City. Along the march, the French encountered suprisingly strong opposition from a ragtag Mexican infantry which, despite being ill-equipped, managed to stop the invasion.

In the end, the Mexican army lost. Upon hearing of the Puebla battle, Napoleon sent 30,000 more soldiers, easily conquered Mexico City, and anointed Archduke Maximillian as Emperor of Mexico in 1864.

Mexican rebels resisted the emperor’s rule from the get-go, and once the American Civil War ended, they got the support they needed. The U.S. military armed the resistance with weapons and ammunition and Maximilian was deposed in 1867. Benito Juárez, the nation’s president prior to the French intervention, was reelected.

The end. Now go and enjoy a Corona.

First of all, a disclaimer: I am not suggesting that you have a dozen roses delivered to your boyfriend’s office on Valentine’s Day. However, I know plenty of guys who like cut flowers, and they make an ideal gift when you need an easy way to tell your gentleman friend thanks for cooking me dinner, or congrats on your promotion, or something along those lines. The key is choosing a flower that’s appropriately masculine. Our picks:

Sunflowers. Cheerfully unisex.

Brown cosmos. It doesn’t get much manlier than a brown flower.

Anthuriums. According to my mom, a floral designer, these so-called “penis flowers” are frequently sent to new fathers of baby boys.

Lobster claws. Almost any tropical flowers, such as birds of paradise, are good.

Pincushions. Just wicked looking.

Perhaps it’s their unpredictable nature, or because I grew up in hurricane-prone Texas, but ever since I moved to San Francisco I’ve had a strange fascination with earthquakes. The only problem was, while I could easily name the deadliest earthquake in history (Shaanxi, China; 1556) or the number of big quakes in California since 1700 (76), up until last week I could not say I was the least bit prepared if “Big One” hit.

Thank goodness for Target–the only retailer I know that could make emergency preparedness both hip and affordable. I briefly considered putting together a kit myself, but Target’s stylish pack is pretty hard to beat at $30. Created in partnership with the Red Cross, it contains most of the essential gear–everything from tweezers to a radio–you’ll need in the event of an emergency (it also comes with a list of necessary items not included). Plus, if you order by the end of August, Target will donate $10 from your purchase to the Red Cross.