The Cultured Girl

Wedding season is upon us, which means our nation’s mail carriers will be saddled with save-the-date notices, shower invitations, and—at least from the cultured among us—RSVP cards. For some reason, the RSVP (shorthand for “répondez s’il vous plaît,” which means “respond please” in French) is an increasingly neglected courtesy. However, if a host requests an RSVP, it is rude not to comply. After all, the party-throwers could need to know anything from how many places to set at a seated dinner to how many fifths of vodka to buy. Some things to know:

• If the invitation says “RSVP” by a certain date, let the host know whether or not you will be attending as soon as possible and no later than the deadline.
• Use the preferred method to reply. If there is an enclosed card, mail it in. If there is a phone number, call it, despite the awkward phone conversation that might ensue. (If it is a wedding or shower invitation, this awkward phone call might be a good opportunity to ask where the couple is registered.)
• Unless the invitation is addressed to you and a guest, do not reply saying you will bring a guest. You’re expected to attend solo, unless you get clearance otherwise.
• If the invitation says “regrets only,” you only need to tell the host or hostess if you are NOT coming. Otherwise, they’ll assume you are, so show up.
• In the case of weddings and showers, even if your reply is “no,” you should still send the couple or guest of honor a gift.

Call me old-fashioned, but I am a firm believer in the thank-you note. Growing up in the South, I penned more notes of gratitude on monogrammed stationery than I can count. I have witnessed stunning examples of what NOT to do, including a card my mom once received that said little more than: “Thanks for the gift. It got here okay.”

In this day and age, an email or phone call will often suffice, such as when someone sends you an unexpected little happy in the mail or when a friend puts you up for the weekend, and for gifts that you receive in person, such as a bottle of wine at a housewarming party, an effusive acknowledgment at the moment will generally be enough. But other times, a handwritten note is still a must—namely, major milestones such as baby showers, graduations, charity events for which you solicited donations, and, of course, weddings. Particularly in the case of weddings , gift-givers have often shelled out for plane tickets, dresses, and other expenses. (One prominent bride in my hometown failed to fulfill her thank-you note obligation, and people are still gossiping about it five years later.)

But whether you’re dashing off an email or breaking out the stationery, here are the 4 elements of a great thank-you note:

• Open with an enthusiastic “thank you” that identifies the gift. Adjust accordingly to the size of the gift, e.g. “Thanks so much for the gift basket” or “I really cannot thank you enough for the $2,000 contribution.” (Try to avoid cliches like “It was sweet of you to think of us,” particularly if you sent someone a wedding invitation.)
• Make a specific reference to how the gift affected you or will affect you. Something as simple as “The colors in the tablecloth will look great with the rest of my kitchen stuff” works just fine. But more details can’t hurt. I recently received a charming thank-you note from an expectant mother that read: “Your timing was perfect—we had just finished a birth class where we learned in graphic detail what we’d gotten ourselves into, but one look at your present and we were instantly reminded how wonderful this is going to be.”
• Nod to the event itself. The thank-you note is also a good time to thank someone for coming to your wedding or share details about how you fared in the charity marathon.
• Close with a friendly remark. This is typically more generic but keeps the note from ending too abruptly, something like “I look forward to seeing you in October” or “Give my love to Alan and the kids.”

“A lady may attempt to begin the conversation with the most innocuous of icebreakers … In no case does she ask prying or personal questions. She may ask, ‘Are you from here in Topeka?’ as that question allows her new friend to share as much personal information as he or she cares to divulge. She does not, however, begin the conversation by asking, ‘Now, just how is it that you now Mary Jo and Hiram?’ (The guest, after all, may have been the doctor who cared for Hiram’s recently deceased father, in which case the lady may find herself and her fellow guest involved in an unhappy topic.) Similarly, a lady does not open the conversation by asking, ‘And just what is it you do for a living, Madison?’ as that question may imply that the lady considers her fellow guest’s job to the only interesting thing about his or her life. And in times of economic distress, it can be awkward for the guest who happens to be unhappily unemployed.”

— From A Lady at the Table: A Concise, Contemporary Guide to Table Manners, 2004

Spinach stuck in the front teeth, an open fly, an unbuttoned blouse–while these are the staples of situation comedy, they are also very real embarrassing moments. When they happen to you, all you can do is laugh and blame bad luck. When you realize they are happening to others, step in and help.

A co-worker’s body odor, smelly feet, or bad breath is an extremely sensitive issue. We are all loath to tell a person about body odor, yet every time we ask our business seminar participants which they would prefer–not to be told about an offensive odor or to be told about it by a friend or manager–invariable, 100 percent say they’d want to be clued in by a friend. So the next time you have a friend who has body odor, consider what you would want him to do if the roles were reversed. Be a friend: Enlighten him.

Here’s how. Do it privately, and start out with something like this: “Bill, because I’m your friend, I’m going to say something that is really difficult. But I know if the roles were reversed, I would want you to say something to me So here it goes. I don’t think you are aware of it, but you have a problem, and it has to do with body odor. Some of us have noticed it and we’re worried that it may have an effect on your advancement in the company. I’m telling you this only to help. Can we talk?”

–Emily Post’s the Etiquette Advantage in Business, 2005

How to say “no” to a kiss:

If you like your date but don’t want to kiss him just now—maybe a few dates from now, but not now—let him know that you don’t have anything against him personally. You just want to take things slowly. You could say something like “I don’t have my kissing lipstick on tonight, Henry. I’ll let you know when I’m wearing it.”

Do you feel like you never want to kiss him? Then it might be better not to go out with him anymore.

— From Handbook of Dating and Other Etiquette, 1970

“It’s annoying to have your neighbor turn the page of his newspaper just when you’re in the middle of your favorite sport column. You can avoid this by remembering that it’s rude to read over anyone’s shoulder at any time or place.”

— From Behave Yourself: Etiquette for American Youth, 1950

I recently moved into a new apartment, complete with a guest room—something I typically associate with parents and other bona fide grown-ups. I cannot claim to be one of those. After all, I live with a roommate, not a husband; our dinner parties often include a pre-meal doob; and our guests are 20-something couch surfers who stay up until 3 a.m. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have a serviceable guest room.

I got to thinking about some of my mother’s wisdom, which dictates that everyone should sleep in her own guest room at least once, to see how much it sucks and make improvements. (As the guest in many rooms over the years, I can safely say that most people do not do this.) The basic requirements of a good guest room, however, are timeless. Consider these essentials outlined in a funny little book I have from 1922, called A Thousand Ways to Please a Family, With Bettina’s Best Recipes. If a few modern cross-references are any indication, Bettina was on to something. Already I have many of the features of a dream guest room, including:

a well-lighted mirror (check)
a table and a reading lamp beside the bed (the lamp is on the floor, but it’s something)
a shelf of well-chosen books and magazines (check)
a big wastepaper basket (check)
a desk with paper and a really good pen (it’s not a Mont Blanc or anything but it writes)
one desk chair and one really comfortable chair (got that covered, given that our apartment has an excess of chairs)
a closet with plenty of free hangers (the guest room closet is actually my closet, but there are some free hangers in there)
Elvis flip book (ok, so Bettina didn’t mention this, but I have one, and I think it will provide hours of guest entertainment)
alarm clock

As for sleeping in the guest room, I guess I’ll get around to that, just as soon as I get my boxes unpacked.

When you go with a young man to the theatre, who pays the bills? He does. I ask you “Why?” “Oh, indeed,” you will reply, “it is the custom.” True, but don’t you think it a queer custom that makes one party shoulder all the expense? What is the basis of the custom? Why, the old-time belief that woman doesn’t know enough to earn money for herself. That doesn’t sound very agreeable to your twentieth century ears, does it, little woman? Girls are often thoughtless regarding the money that excursions and pleasures cost young men. Nothing but bearing half the financial burden will make them realize just what the burden is.

From Health-Beauty-Sexuality: From Girlhood to Womanhood, 1905

“You’re all dressed and waiting for your date to pick you up (the ideal etiquette situation, for too often it’s your date who’s waiting for you). If you’ve got the waiting jitters, there are several cures you can try.

1. Practice typing or work on some knitting or needle point to keep nervous hands busy.

2. Read a book, but not such an interesting one that you’ll be reluctant to put it down. (Though I can’t imagine passing on a date because I was too engrossed in a book, there are plenty of dates that, in retrospect, I should have skipped in favor of such an activity.)

3. Watch a TV movie, but not such an exciting one that your date will want to stay home and watch it with you.
There are two things absolutely not to do: put on nailpolish; take your hairdo apart.” (Particularly not in that order.)
From Handbook of Dating and Other Etiquette,1970

“By lolling in your seat, sitting sideways, or placing your packages on the seat beside you, it is possible to occupy enough room for two people. This is a good way to advertise your boorish selfishness to the public.”

From Behave Yourself: Etiquette for American Youth, 1950